i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
