mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
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You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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