it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
How does it feel to date your dad?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
