Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You smell like stripper and shame
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
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Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
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That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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