Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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