The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
