I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
