I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
