My nipple is on Facebook.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
