hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
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So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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