Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
