My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
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That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
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Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
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