i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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