cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
