life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
