i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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