Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
