my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
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do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
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