Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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