In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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