It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
my liver is dry heaving
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
