LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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