I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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