We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
