Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
