Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
