So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
