my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The Olympian is in my bed
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
