he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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