can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she peed on how many people?
Even my vagina gasped.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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