We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
