I hate all girls vehemently.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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