At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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