my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
