oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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