I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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