I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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