You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
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There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.