Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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