I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
