I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
That's how pantless uber rides happen
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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