Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
