You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
