I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
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I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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