dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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