I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
