She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
