if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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