Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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