Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
