shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
