You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
