i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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