I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
