I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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